My dad just sent me a text telling me to "say hi to all the luscious bitches" at the gay bar. Guess this explains my childhood
I had a dream last night that I was the one that killed Biggie
My history with restaurant waiters is severely limiting our dinner options.
We were all singing so you said you were going to play a percussion instrument... the crackers.
Today my mom told me "that's what worries me about you getting blacked out drunk... You don't look pretty"
He ripped off his shirt and tried to give me CPR. That damn bong.
He kissed my hand AND my forehead. I don't think this virginity business is for heartless whores like us.
His penis smells like laundry I just wanted to cuddle it
There is a 1000000% chance you'll be turned down if you try coming on to me while I watch Star Wars.
Do you think I shall pursue this journey to the center if the dick?
I told him I was on the pill and it was OK to fire away. I want to never have to wear panty house or ever go to an office again. This is my early retirement plan. I want half of his NBA money.
He got hit with a horseshoe, set on fire, fell out of a tree, and puked all over the side of his car, all before midnight. Everclear.
You were so high that you only FaceTimed me so that you could stare into your own eyes and not actually say anything
I'm drunk and I have your birth certificate
well at least now you can say you got an STD from the frontman of a band no one's heard of
fuck you.
Randomize
