so i was sitting on this guys lap, and we were flirting and everything right..well his phone kept ringing, turns out it was his pregnant wife...she had gone into labor..
Too late. I'm going over there. I'm a bad example for all women: Do as I say, not who I do.
She looks makes a Zellweger face when she cums, she's keeps asking why I call her renee
Just tried to chase Captain Morgan with water...this whole drinking alone business is getting harder to do.
yeah that always happens. i'm like the where's waldo of parties. i never even know where the fuck i'm at.
there's nothing like the elf drinking game to get me in the christmas spirit.
My mascara kind of smells like tequila to me...Is this my body crying for help or asking for a shot?
Making drunken Mac n cheese at 3 am I understand why witches constantly stir their cauldrons. Much more homogenized temperature and slim chance of boiling over. Good job witches.
You lit a fire in my vagina no man can extinguish.
Things I Learned Tonight: I have no future in goat wrangling. Herding. Whatever you call the ridiculosity that just transpired.
I wanted lighthearted conversation about ordering bulk condoms and anal lube but he's depressed and talking about god hating him, ugh
Have 7 min to kill while I wait for liquor store to open. Feels really awkward.
Hey did you take a shower last night at like 4am?
"ummm...." (Thinking in my head) wet towel, soaking wet hair, clean pjs on backwards... "that would make more sense then what I thought happened..."
He was fingering me and I came so hard that I actually broke his wrist. We're at the ER now.
What happened?
Vodka. Vodka happened.
Randomize
