If you're gonna cry pregnant again I'm not coming over.
she's in the bathroom. spitting in the trashcan. not throwing up. just spitting and singing bad romance by lady gaga.
thatta girl
There is NOTHING better than watching a child being chased by an ostrich.
I was going to call you an awful person for that. but then i realized we're both awful people.
Really* awful people.
I vaguely remember you trying to make me a casserole with marshmallows and a can of beer.
How did our waiter from olive garden end up passed out drunk in my roommate's bed?
I'm unshowered, and since I've seen this episode of say yes to the dress, I've decided to go to the store and get a frozen pizza at 10:20 am. I'm crushing life.
I knew things were bad when I walked in on you feeding juice to your iPhone
I flashed a party boat full of Asians yesterday, didn't I?
You don't understand. If you watched a video of the shenanigans that occurred in my life over the past 48 hours you would gasp worse than the girl who witnessed me puking in my bag at the children's hospital
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
Your level of morning after guilt is too much right now. Do less.
Finally hooked up with her. She bought me tacos after because "she can do better in a bed". You're gonna be my best man.
It's gonna be me and some oreos tonight. Basically like sex
I feel like a weird modern Betty Crocker. I'm icing a cake and looking at gay porn, if that's not an accurate portrayal of the 21st century idk what is.
Randomize
