We had sex in his tahoe, talked about how we don't love each other and then high fived twice. Best Day Ever
All my problems are solved. I just got McDonalds and scratch off lottery tickets.
im using old socks as coasters. im going to make a great housewife.
He told me that a camel appeared out of nowhere and it told him to quit smoking...
I still can't believe he turned down that threesome with us in central park. He must be really committed.
I woke up on the ground next to a bed of naked men. I'm either a drunken genius or the enemy....
I think I may have accidentally stepped in fire
I'm not saying I haven't been that drunk. I'm just saying I haven't been that drunk and then have cops buy me shots.
The thought "Ummm which pants am I wearing? ...I *am* wearing pants, right?" just ran through my head. I'm done. So done.
I got horny for like a second but the eggplant snapped me out of it
I paper cut my nipple reading mail topless
So I got offered a job this morning based on being a "good role model for girls" and I am drunk at 330 in the afternoon in "celebration." sometimes, life is insane. But not so bad.
Dude...itll be a youre-still-a-dick-but-a-hot-one-angry-hate-evil-spite kinda fuck. This is acceptable.
I'm still trying to figure out who shit on the coffee table. I have confirmed beyond a reasonable doubt that it wasn't me.
Two questions: is there going to be a bathroom at this party, and can we fuck in it. This will define whether or not I enjoy going to parties with you.
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