I might get fired at work today. I had to prioritize. It's not my fault Cockasaurus came over.
She looked like her face caught fire, and someone put it out with a screwdriver.
After I tried for five minutes to hang my beer from the coat hanger in the bathroom , I have realized I am drunk
She liked every single Facebook status in her newsfeed and then made her status 'I LIKE U GUYS'
so, I mean this in the straightest way possible, but don't you ever just feel like you owe Jon Stewart a blowjob...
I made him drop me off at the wrong house waited for him to leave and crawled through several fences so he couldnt stalk me. How was your night?
My cab driver just texted me 'goodnight beautiful'. I think my 'desperate for a guy phase' has just moved into a fuck my life phase.
How could you give up sex for lent? I gave up religion for lent years ago and never looked back. Or give up civility, not sex.
YES please come visit. Lets go get belligerent. I won't even pepperspray you
I feel like a pet sloth would complement my lifestyle.
Do you think this 2 hour Amazon delivery thing works on vibrators? Cause that would be clutch
i can eat my weight in tater tots. don't test me, bitch
I cant miss out on a half day of work without a booty call
The amount of illegal things I've done this weekend is astounding.
I could not add him. He gets 5 likes on Instagram.
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