My face smells like last night's lay. I need a whore bath. Or a corndog.
woke up with withdrawal cold sweats this morning. spring break must really be over.
im not picky. i just want someone whod go down on me while im writing my psych midterm paper. thats not a lot to ask.
Put a customer on hold today while I threw up. If I don't get employee of the month, I'm suing.
i think he spiked my sandwich with a viagra
Seriously. We gorilla glued our hands together. Eating pizza last night was impossible.
I had to sit there with his three fat aunts talking about a bunch of 50 Shades knockoff books.
I felt like a taxi, but my meter was running up minutes he would be eating me out that night.
Just letting everyone know that I am still alive after last night. On a related note, this is the 15th "I'm not dead!" mass text I've sent. You've got to celebrate the little things.
I found a video on my phone from last night... You got up on the table at McDonald's and screamed BURRITOOO!
I just need to find a good handlebar mustache to sit on until I'm over that beard
He came on my favorite pants. He is dead to me.
WELL THEN WHAT DAY IS IT?!?! This whole having to choose between ruining my future and ruining my liver is totally killing my vibe
Well, I sent nudes with an Elmo t shirt on the floor... so there's that.
This is the fifth time tonight that girl has taken off my pants. Take me home. Now.
My diet fell off the wagon when I began texting the pizza delivery guy my location on frat row.
Randomize
