Being a girl sucks.
Being a boyfriend sucks for about a week, too
When you come back do you think I could print anorexic pictures of Mary-Kate?
So he thinks I sent him a picture of my boob last night, but it was really just a close up of my arm.
We'll probably be arrested for having a cheetah in our apartment anyway, so I say go for it.
all I know is I'm really rwfly really really stoned and a bunch of Korean people are yelling at me
Guys, right now i need a picture of a squirrel, preferably with one of you guys but not necessary.
after tonight, seriously nothing could taste better than toothpaste
Reasonably certain my seventh grade teacher is encouraging me to drop acid on twitter
He's balder, I'm skinnier. I win. I. Win.
This is what we get for finishing a whole box of Franzia by ourselves
My "lord keep me from stabbing a bitch" prayer has gotten a lot of miles today
I'm talking to a corgi on tinder..wtf has my life come to
He dropped some cash when he got in my front seat upside down. And a hat. I'm keeping them as retribution for not remembering that he had sex with me once before. Although, if he didn't have his dick pierced, I wouldn't have remembered either.
can we not speak foreign languages when I'm on drugs
Always great to be boarding a plane when you realize that what you thought was gas is actually very untrustworthy
Randomize
