dude your girlfriend loves you alot..she yelled your name lastnight in bed
I'm destined to be knocked up by a sailor
he's having a long distance Facebook-coordinated power hour. the status update has 159 comments ...
I think I just agreed to be an escort for an Asian guy who's gonna be in the city next weekend before he moves back to Shanghai...
Aside from the fact that im drinking wine straight from the bottle to save doing dishes, im also standing in front of the oven to save turning on the heater. its gonna be a rough winter.
I dressed up as a breathalyzer test for Halloween; never had so many straight dudes blow me before!
He always finds the good stuff. He's like a truffle pig for bud.
All I do lately is eat steak, drink warm beer, watch porn, and avoid booty calls when I'm too lazy to take a shower. I think the apocalypse turned me into a dude.
It takes a special kind of man to fart REALLY loudly right before entering a woman and still get some. This has been a state of bootytown address.
I just googled "can they trace a vibrator back to you" so that' s how my life it going.
how much boxed wine can one drink before work in a couple of hours?
it was cool until he whispered 'sounds like you need a good dicking' with a completely serious face and i just lost it
So I got cockblocked by our relationship status last night
I guess it's part of life. Sometimes your ex boyfriend becomes a drag queen.
Consume your own penis you ugly freak.
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