barbara walters just said penis...
I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
Smoked a bowl on a rollercoaster. Literally ON. Beat that.
Using Dr. Seuss quotes to ask me how badly I want your penis is not appropriate.
Surefire way to sober up: discover that your car is being towed at 2 am.
Rooting for you and your team in the Beer Olympics this afternoon...! Love you, Mom
Come get your boy. He's cuddling with a bag of rice on the floor.
IT ISN'T. I'M A LITTLE HIGH.
YOU'RE ALWAYS A LITTLE HIGH.
NO. IT'S RARE THAT I'M A LITTLE HIGH. I'M ALWAYS HIGH AS FUCK. THERE'S A DIFFERENCE.
Oh okay well are you handling the "just sex part" like a professional hooker like I taught you?
Yeah, reverse cow girl. She was on top and I was playing Flappy Bird behind her back. Easiest way to have angry sex.
There is a high possibility I will pass out with my hand in a bag of Doritos
If someone plays phil collins i'm gonna take off my clothes
I'm recreating the you're a wizard harry video with a guy on snapchat whilst having snapchat sex with another... Adulting is fun
I'm going to talk him into letting me tie him up, and then just leave him that way and go meet you for fro-yo.
I better get weekly incoherent text messages or I will assume something is wrong.
Randomize
