i asked him how he could stand the smell of skunk. his answer was "it smells like good weed"...
I gave up sex for lent.
I guess that means I'm postponing our date until after Easter.
I woke up with fried rice in my sweatshirt pocket came downstairs and found all the chicken in the fridge gone. I'm THAT roommate aren't I?
I started the year with 2,800 dollars and am now down to 83 dollars-one of which i use to snort my focalin. I have given up on food and am perplexed as to how I can make 82 dollars last more than two weekends for booze
bring money and cleavage
Those foam number one hands, are the BEST socks.
you are my patron saint of "too drunk for 9am". i just keep asking myself what would alyssa do as i try to regain motor function
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
How was that my fault?! I made you breakfast and gave you cake, as you asked. Then, you initiated sexual activity.
My Canadian brought me three bottles of maple syrup, a sunflower, and a pair of Oakleys back to the states...he's either drunk or he loves me
Yeah I mean once a gun is being waved around, its probably a good time to leave the party
But the music was sooo good
Ok despite the fact that both you and I love dick we could have a great marriage
What is ur current declared sexuality for my bingo board
She put her coat on went to leave and called me an asshole. I responded with "I never said I wasn't" and then she pounced on me like a cat on cat nip.
It was very surreal. They were listening to a religious podcast on morality while they both went down on me.
Randomize
