I'm in your bed right now
Okay meet you there give me 10
Don't think you can make me leave either
Give me ten I ha e to be ******'s wingman I want you
I swallowed your vile semen and you don't know what color my fucking eyes are!?
Black out sex on the trampoline? yes please.
i wiped a booger on my final. end of semester present.
I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
Tonight when I'm getting a bj from a stripper I'm gonna imagine it's you bobbing down there
Finals week...the biggest cock block since your brother threatened me with a beer bottle at the bar.
He made me sneak beer in the diaper bag... guess who is winning 2012 parents of the year
I just karate chopped a humming bird out of mid air. It came at my face while I was out side smoking. Scared the shit out of me. My ninja skills just took over. Haha. I mean really at that point it was me or him.
I had to convince someone last night that the fact that he couldn't get me off wasn't him it was me and to clarify I had to tell him there was only. One person that got me off every time without fail, he said "that guy is my hero" you should be proud
Just gave a blow job while wearing a shirt that says 'world's coolest mom' idk how my conscience feels...
apparently i tried to facetime the drunk bus last night, that's probably why we had to walk back to campus
Drunk ass.
How's work going?
Boring. I have a cat on a leash right now
Quick question. If you break the bathroom sink off the wall from fucking on it, can you claim it on your homeowner's insurance as a 'natural disaster'?
Oh please. Preoccupy yourself with my penis.
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