I need to just get drunk and eat a pot pie.
I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
playing new game: drink everytime u see someone at the beach with a tramp stamp, double if u guess it before u see it, triple for male tramp stamps
warning: blackouts possible when playing in ocean city or anywhere in new jersey
after I pulled back my foreskin she said, "cool like a transformer". I really like her now.
Just used my cancer results to get a free lap dance. Great day just got better.
Do you know what's great about Canada?..... There will always be a Tim Hortons on my walk of shame route
Watching her eat just hurts me
You don't seem to appreciate the rareness of his junk.
Send me a picture. I'm more of a visual learner.
On the way out the door to work grabbed the wine glass on the floor left for the ghost of Elijah and chugged it. PASSOVER.
I smell like a skunk, but I'm okay with that.
Pretty good. Thinking about getting day drunk and filling out job applications so I don't hate myself as much
Something like; Dear Cupid, when are you going to send me someone to date that isn't a complete psychopath
Listen all we did was not even pretend we aren’t each other’s type and live together and constantly encourage each other to get laid for 6 months.
Idk how it devolved into us fucking.
Too hungover to brush my teeth. took a swig of menthol schnapps instead. lazy or incredibly efficient?
Youre my hero
The only reason you haven't shit yourself yet is because you don't like having fun.
Randomize
