She invited me to an Eagles game, I mean that is almost better then if she told me she could only function with large amounts of semen in her system at all times.
I just overhead some girl saying that she's trying out for the real world so she has a backup if she doesn't get into teach for america...
i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
Hello wreck, this is your train calling.
Lets start the night off early. Those Coronas arent going to throw themselves up.
It's my fault there's ramen coiled around his penis.
Her life is proof that being a drunken slut will get you places.
WRONG DAY TO COME TO CLASS STONED!! WRONG DAY TO COME TO CLASS STONED!! WE'RE WATCHING BIRTHING VIDEOS!!!!
There is nothing more embarrassing than your birth control alarm going off while in a meeting with your boss and they tell you to take it.
He barged in the room with no shirt on, all fucking ripped with a half keg under one arm. Sara now calls him Bronan the Beerbarian
I'm at my friends house alone, she's at spin class so I'm wearing her engagement ring and eating buffalo wings. It's 9:30am. Happy Valentine's Day.
Please tell me you did not shit your Disney princess costume.
Just got hit on via LinkedIn..do I capitalize on this opportunity/land a job or reply something sassy
I lost my wallet so I paid for my cab ride home with a sausage sandwich I found in my purse. Must have thought it was my wallet.
it was all good until mid make out when he announced 'i just came'. ...he wasn't joking.
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