went to sleep on the couch in jeans and socks. woke up in bed totally nude no memory of moving. best farewell party ever
Left my ID again and at a Giant's game. This is the second time they accepted my handgun safety certificate as proof of ID to buy beer.
So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
i wish my penis had a tongue
Theyr drawing diagrams to try to explain to me how high they are
So there is a guy driving a robot around the college of engineering selling energy drinks
she got the salsa and pickles out of the fridge looked at me and said what can i make with this
sorry for the naked aussie man in your room last night, he got lost on his way to the bathroom
She said "oh yeah" like Hulk Hogan with the muscle flex and everything. Totally digging this chick
i am one UTI away from banning your fingers from my vagina
Next time someone asks you what your spirit animal is do you really want to answer the iowa state fair butter cow?
If the fate of the world hinged on some chubby girl getting laid, the president would dispatch me with a fifth of Jameson immediately and then rest easy.
Oh by "being festive" I mean make tacos for dinner.
The creeper at the bar just realized we have the same birthday and bought me four beers already. He walked off so I took his change and dashed, i'm bringing the case over now.
what happened last night?
we watched you eat an entire bag of dorritos in the pouring rain... you refused to come inside
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