Fact: my bamboo plant has grown 2 & 1/2 inches since I started watering it with bong water
i came on her dog
i just called. the lady was really nice. something tells me my schools clinic gets a lot of calls about chlamydia
Writing apology letters and leaving them on peoples doors for your actions is NOT what I want to be doing at 6am.
they wouldn't let me take the pitcher of beer on the ferris wheel
I think im gonna bang this 35 year old at a kids birthday party in the bathroom at this house while the kids open the presents.
The sun is gonna brush it's hairy dick across my forehead in the morning, gently whispering: "you're 4 hours late for work"
my vagradar is going off.. it smells a soldier
Your rough animalistic sex sounds are disrupting my cocktail hour
What is my life coming to that I have to cross state lines to get laid?
I'm just trying to win a butt plug dude
All I need to do is acquire a Shrek costume.
Please don't traumatize your girlfriend too terribly. Have fun.
My husband just came over to kiss me and said, "careful, I got a block of cream cheese in my pocket"
The one time I decide to bring people over you are laying naked on the coffee table watching the ceiling fan cause "it just moves so fast" I'm guessing you got paid today??
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
Randomize
