i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
i was high and broke so i stole a roast chicken and a 40 inch sheet cake from wegmans and ate in a bathroom stall.
I puked last after eating a volcano taco and drinking vodka. I felt like a fucking dragon.
I'm pretty sure I'm almost gay. Like, I'd do it if I had no choice. Like, if i were in prison I'd try it.
I assume you will show your seat mates your vibrating cock ring.
So roofie roulette was a success but I'm a little worried that the 2 who got the tainted beer still haven't contacted anyone...
sleeping in bed with your booty calls married sister...you're the stuff heroes are made of.
Im blowing my nose and the only thing coming out is beer
if the furniture in my bedroom wasn't shape shifting... this would be a different story.
And after we debated politics. My dream come true: naked, just got done having great sex with a hot mixed guy, talking about why social welfare programs are a bad idea
Just in case you forgot, last night you came home drunk and pissed all over my laptop. You owe me a laptop.
Fell off the toilet trying to reach to put my tampon in the garbage. Pride hurts real bad.
I HAVE TOO MICH DICK TALKING TO ME IDK WHAT TO DO.
Disregard everything I texted you last night. Oh, and disregard me hooking up with your boyfriend.
Just found out a shooting happened in our parking lot while it was closed this morning. So thaaaaaaaaats fun.
Randomize
