I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
I think the waitress doesn't beleive I have friends coming. I've had 4 drinks and a large salad just waiting for you guys.
that's the nicest way anyone's ever asked me to send them naked pics before...
ttyl tear gas
She dumped a fish bowl of alcohol on herself. Just like flash dance.
IM A SHIT SUOW THE GUYS AT THE PMACR TOLD ME AJDBO I WEBF RO WALNARY WITH OU SHOES! I WASHT LLOWES FLOWERSA
How was that my fault?! I made you breakfast and gave you cake, as you asked. Then, you initiated sexual activity.
The paramedics were not my fault this time.
just chugging fertility tea and vodka, no big deal.
You fell in the corner and refused to get up unless someone helped you. And then you crawled under the pool table and took a nap.
do me a favor, I need this weekend off so can you work your magic and blow my boss again?
I'm gonna die. First I'm gonna throw up. But then I'm gonna die.
COKE WAS NOT ON THE ITINERARY FOR TONIGHT.
Ignore him I am the one that wears the pants in the relationship while "the big man" cries in bed
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
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