I'm just sayin u wanted to sleep after ur paper. I can make u sleep
please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
i think she is mad at you for trying to take a shit in the back seat of her car
I woke up naked this morning there was a baseball bat on the floor the bathroom door knob was removed and the floor was wet. This is why i don't do Tequila shots.
I'm so proud of your ability to turn my Charlie horse last night into anal sex.
I was scoping hash out of our weed jar with a spoon and I realized we need to buy actual utensils. This plastic shit is killing me I've broke 3 spoons
I've decided I'm either going to ease him into this breakup by having a threesome with him and the girl I'm leaving him for, or be brutal and fuck his room mate. it depends how nice he is tonight.
A total of 95 cents was stuck to my ass the next morning.
I can't turn my head to the left, I'm pissing out of my ass, and my finger went through the toilet paper today... I need you.
As part of the off-hours team building exercises, I had my new coworkers figure out to push me back to the hotel from the nearby bars in a shopping cart every night for a week.
First of all you're supposed to say "you're not fat". And second of all never ever deprive me of nachos.
Although a guy bought me a shot of fireball last wknd and I told him he wouldn't even get half a handjob for that and walked away so don't tell me I don't have standards
I should be done at 8 and I've also done a great Job of convincing my self that I should get really drunk tonight
Yesterday I went home with one shoe, today I go home with three. Fucking win.
He ate me out in a golf cart while I watched the sunset. You are so right, golf skirts do provide amazing access.
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