Wedsnesdays are always enlightening. Tonights revealation: One should not smoke from something taller than their person.
i've been thru my totinos phase. then after reading the ingredients and nutritional info i almost puked in my mouth. its like having the bastard child of pizza hut and mcdonalds invade your kitchen and start stabbing your digestive system.
APPARENTLY giving your friend one of your shoes so that you avoid the no shoes no service rule makes you drunk...
What was your penis's nickname in high school? Also, what was it's theme song?
She just drank the vanilla extract. Again. AGAIN. No one should be that eager to get drunk.
I'm also glad were at the point in our friendship where my vagina talking to you isn't weird
A woman on my train just walked down the carriage in a wedding dress, crying and clutching a can of Carlsberg. Oh...
if you didn' use the plastic sword on the cop. maybe this wouldn't have happened.
I'm going to make out with someone. I'm on a mission. I don't even care if I'm wearing beer goggles. As long as he's not shorter than me, gay, or a woman.
Hey I know you're not home, but I'm here. Your front door is unlocked and someone took shit on your doormat...
He expects to fuck my tits but will ignore me in public.
apparently they stopped looking at spit swabs under the microscope in bio ever since they found a sperm cell in one students sample
He told me he was cooking me a special dinner tonight. His "five star meal" was popcorn in champagne glasses, and chic fil a sauce in jello shot containers to dip the popcorn in. He still tries to convince me he doesn't smoke weed anymore.
Sitting in my junior high parking lot high on ambien talking to a stranger I met on tinder. What is life?
If you can wrestle my underwear off of me, you can top. It'll be like using an amulet in Legends of the Hidden Temple. Instead of not getting captured, you don't get fucked in the ass.
Randomize
