I feel like tequila is Gods way of lighting my fuse to do something awesome
Reach down the front of your pants and feel around for a while. When you find your balls, leave the library and meet me at the bar.
I gave them both handjobs at the same time. Felt like I was skiing
He told me to pick a safe word. I said 'cactus' and he said I wasn't taking this seriously and that I wasn't cut out for s&m.
I'm listening to bach and watching porn,is that a sign of depression?
Quite the contrary. Sophistication.
I'm not being over dramatic, but I think my heart is going to stop beating.
The staff doesn't like it when you try and take your wheelchair for a joy ride since I've been waiting for an hour and a half.
okay just a general question, but if i got arrested, who here would bail me out. this is important.
Like wrapping my dick in silk, wrapping that in velvet, and putting it in a cloud. A warm, tight, wet cloud.
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
You are COMPLAINING that the sex was too good. You're not getting any sympathy from me
I'm so hung over that I just tried to send you a screen shot of the cracked screen on my phone.
Today's goals: get day drunk then sober up in time for the walking dead tonight.
This is a mass text. Who in the hell shat on my stairs last night?
oh and i figured out why we kept smelling vomit. ive got vomit on my socks. putting the heater on my feet was not the best of ideas.
Randomize
