I feel like death. Did you die last night?
Nope. Ready for round 2. Fiesta!
unreal. Greatest comeback since Jesus
guess who just trotted in eating her oats and wagging her penis
If I saw Perez Hilton naked I think I would stick a lit candle down my throat.
I just had a 30 minute fake cell phone conversation with myself just to avoid hooking up with the drunk guy next to me. its like an art form.
I got concerned once i realized you weren't there to hear us having sex. See I do worry about you.
Rick Santorum just suspended his campaign. Lets celebrate by watching gay pornography together.
Tell me why I woke up spooning a hamburger like it was a teddy bear.
He is really real. Like I know where he works, have referenced him with mutual fb friends and I've seen his dick. He's real.
Dude my pants were only on for 20 minutes after she got there.
That's 30 minutes too many.
I woke up naked in her room. More precisely, I woke up naked in her room with her and her sister laughing at my penis. I hate my life.
Man, coughing on your period is like the biggest gamble a girl can make.
I guess you never know how much of an impact you have on someone until you sleep with their cousin
p.s i need to stop drunk texting my mom. she brings up text convos all the time and i have no idea what shes talking about...
She stood up through my sunroof the entire drive home. screaming her ass off and singing free falling..
What the hell was that?
Genius. It was sheer genius.
Randomize
