I just cleaned my sheets and decided to do a black light test. My headboard is a masterpiece.
I just woke up in a puddle of boob sweat. Definitely time to consider a reduction.
I am literally too baked to press the call button. How am I supposed to bone him?
Oh shit. There are penis maracas
I might have beaten my fastest all time record going from "I really really like this girl" to "fuck that bitch"
you were like "guys ... i think i got fingered while dancing tonight"
our poor poor cab driver
So hungover. Have a black eye from where I tried to brush my teeth and stabbed myself in the eye instead. Should make the performance review I was stress drinking about go so much better.
tanning, a slurpee, and a cigarette. spa day college edition
Just drove by where I lost my sausage gravy virginity
She dressed up in a sexy maid outfit for me, but she got mad when I asked her to actually do some cleaning.
It was like a Thanksgiving meal, which you spend 8 hours cooking, and the family wolfs down in 20 minutes. All that flirting and build-up for like 90 seconds of pumping and he was gone in a flash, never to be heard from again.
Always keep a stash of tequila in your work desk. That is like adulting 101.
That went from 0 to lesbian orgy much faster than expected...
I'M GOING TO DIE ALONE WITHOUT ANYONE PRETENDING TO BE A MARRIED COUPLE WHILE DRUNK AT A MALL WITH ME
11:30 and people are pissing in the sink. It's gonna be a good night.
Randomize
