God help me. Come pick me up. The guy told me this is not a hotel and i had to leave.
By the way the fattest man alive got married yesterday and I don't even have a boyfriend.
Yeah it was hard to find an opportunity while fucking him to say "oh the reason my lips taste so salty is because i blew your roomate 15 minutes ago"
It was around the time I started requesting "big girl straws" from the bartender for my jack and diets, that I knew I'd probably wake up with my sunglasses on and find my wallet in the shower.
Was it high me or sober me who put those Jolly Rancher sticks in the freezer? I'd be soooo impressed if it was high me.
He put crushed up bacon in the joint and now we're listening to the Matilda soundtrack I have no idea what's going on
I don't care. I'll text you about my butthole whenever I please. That's what you signed up for in this relationship.
In the ER with Chelz, I may have broken her ankle during sex. Lovely.
I'm drunk in a place called Lick-A-Chick. PS. It's not a lesbian hot spot, they sell chicken.
Is posting a pic on insta of my previously dyed blue pubes socially acceptable?
Dude, my sex life is so sad since I started having feelings.
Sleeping with just one person sucks
He used a trumpet as a funnel, said something about valve oil, and puked all over the garage.
I like to be the stable force in your otherwise chaotic existence.
kick those bitches in the teeth and tell them mama came to party
Dad is wasting no time getting back out there. Just walked in on him and a Twin Peaks waitress in the hot tub
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