goodnight i made you a song goodbye
I'm buying a pregnancy test with my lunch money. Classy.
i don't know what the guinness world record is for longest time eating nothing but skittles but i'm going on six days
the worst part of it wasnt him peeing on the xbox. it was when he showed me his penis and made a kissy face at me. THAT was painful.
look out your window.... he's holding his iphone up like a boombox playing you beach boys
I just heard someone say "gosh-darnit" and they didn't have a southern twang. I worry for New York.
They were fighting, but then they bumped into the bong and it shattered. After that they just hugged and cried.
it's my sixth sense. If there's an orgy within 20 miles of me i'll know about if. Or be a part of it.
Yeah I figured you were blackout when you were Shakira dancing on the floor.
The universe is cradling this hangover like a gay couple cradles their newly adopted chinese baby.
Goddamnit, guys. I got lube all over my kindle.
I've had sex with three people who have this birthday.
He was tied up with the electrical tape and force fed wine from a box. It was never going to end well.
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
Remember how slutty I thought she was when we were freshmen?
Yeah! But that was a long time ago. Plus, you use your sluttiness for good!
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