its good she wears the same dress to all the weddings so we can track how fat she's really gotten
so glad i banged her when she was skinny
You put a thong on my pumpkin didn't you.
The Rock is playing the tooth fairy. I can't believe I used to smell what that man was cooking
She said she was an education major and you replied with "oh I'm taking a semester off too". And we never saw her again...
Leave it to us to have a family reunion in a bar bathroom
Last time I sleep with a guy with a penchant to fragrance his dick. Every time I sit to pee, I get a whiff of Axe body spray.
I woke up to a head of lettuce on my nightstand, someones Honda abandoned in my yard, the cat partially shaved, and a empty bottle of sailor hanging by a scarf from the rafters. Oh, and 26 people apparently came though and rubbed my back in the process of the night. Happy 23rd to me!
The other night I NICELY told her she looked like Jack Sparrow
I must be the strongest person who ever managed to get knocked down by a pug.
Fell asleep in the library, woke up because I almost let out a sleep fart. That was close.
Rather than admit to myself I've spent $756 at the bar this month, I'm just going to pretend I gave it to a homeless person...kind of makes me feel better.
Only you would get a side of potential vagina with your sandwich
A young (I'm going to guess late middle school age) kid shouted at me from the crosswalk GAS PUMP OF SHAME! I have peaked in life.
I am not a whore. I just wanted casual drinking, monogamous sex and occasional McDonald's runs.
I just landed at Logan and some guy threw up in the baggage carousel. Boston never really changes
Randomize
