he was chasing shots of soco with fistfuls of my birthday cake
Hey guess what I got for Valentine's day? Debt and blue balls.
i woke up to him dangling his cock in front of my face
I just woke up naked clutching a Taco Bell bag.
there is no 'pace myself' on the blackout express
We were both halfway out the window trying to give each other high fives over the roof while the dude was going 150.
It's like I'm in a vicious cycle of noncommittal penis.
Chelsea passed out in the kiddie pool. Just added around 28 boxes of jello powder. Will let you know how it works out
Oh wow. Was walking and just saw her in the pool, fully clothed, ranting on an alligator float. I guess i should go get her before security gets here.
I burst into tears on the boat this morning because we bumped a duck in the head. I am way too hung over for today
I suppose I should wish you a happy one year of bumping uglies
Let me tell you how my drug dealer wants me to take his girlfriends little sister to jr prom
Someone the age of your son tried to go home with me from the bar last night
Not as great as when your drunk mom grabbed my junk, but better than when your sober grandma sacktapped me and grabbed my butt.
I trusted a fart in Toronto. NEVER TRUST A FART IN TORONTO.
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