the pizza man had no reaction when jackie and me opened the door naked, i guess he's used to that shit
I'm going to have to call in sick tomorrow. After this weekend, there's no way I can handle hearing the accountants talk about double entry without puking.
Oh god. There is a bite mark in the bar of soap. Please tell me I was not that wasted.
I'm too hungover to be in a fucking cow suit right now
the first sign of life we got from you was four hours later. you smiled without opening your eyes when tom whispered in your ear we were getting buffalo wings.
Text me if you also stopped reading harry potter in the 4th grade and wanna go to the bars tonight instead of the midnight premiere
some girl at the bar told me my beard would tickle every inch of her body till she joy puked her face off.... that was so random and odd i just had to buy her a drink for having the guts to say it to me. WTF
oh and speaking of men I've slept with. Ryan lost 1/3 of a testicle zip lining
I was just informed that I have the perfect belly button for body shots... Best compliment ever.
I saw a shooting star while he was eating me out at 3am by my neighbors pool. Doesn't get more magical than that
You lost me at unexpected butt stuff. Everything else I would probably do.
My friends got engaged today and I learned the techniques of going upside down on a stripper pole. I'm not really sure who won...
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns
You went into the bathroom, got in the tub with a pillow, yelled "this isn't as comfortable as it looks in the movies" then passed out
FUCK ME I smuggled weed onto a plane by accident
Randomize
