Call me at 7:30 and make sure I'm not asleep in this booth at Waffle House.
Do you realize that we tried to rent a limo at 5am to come and take us to waffle house?
on the list of things id be doing when i was almost 30, waiting for a girl to finish shitting the bed wasn't on there.
My fight-or-flight response is really more fight-or-fuck
i feel like arbor mist is too classy for that. you need a colt 45
Yeah you're right. The one time when arbor mist is too classy
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
I'd apply for another job, but "staring out windows crying" is not a hot qualification right now.
what the hell is that chicken wire thing she's holding?
An artistic expression of her stupidity.
Now that I'm sober, I'm realizing you put your name in my phone as "wowww"
We got to his house, cuddled while watching game of thrones, then fucked during the repeat airing.
Just kidding. Don't worry, you're getting sugar and orgasms for Valentine's day.
I woke up on a different floor than I went to sleep on. Can't find my shoes.
My makeup bag looks like it has lips and wants to sing to me... Too high?
Sitting in the car eating a bagel. Watching a guy do tai chi in the parking lot. My morning is fabulous
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
Randomize
