Well I thought I'd be nice but yeah I'm not a fan of you either you're an arrogant stupid cocky unfunny loser. Don't talk to me you're crazy
We traveled between two mile markers in 18 seconds. Do the math.
why is there a picture of someone wearing Tevas with socks taped on the wall?
Too tired to do the dishes so I made mac and cheese in a teapot. There's still some left if you want some...
i realized boys travel in groups of 3's and girls travel in 4's..thats why it gets so tricky
like hot dogs and buns.
He still lectured me about forgetting shit. Than he said he's gonna paint me green so I can stand in a corner and be a plant.
There is a girl on the metro with no shoes and she's using a Crown Royal bag as a purse.
Is "sorry I booted you out mid-fuck last night" a good icebreaker?
I will expect an hourly check text to confirm you are alive and that you aren't dead in a ditch somewhere with a hobo dry humping your corpse
I arrived home at 7am wearing nothing but my underwear and a fedora. I ate half a dozen deviled eggs. Put Katy Perry on repeat. And cried myself to sleep. We cannot go out on Thursday anymore
Seriously, why do I have a mortar round?
Perfect. I'll put on my party clothes and write emergency numbers on my arm
that is our friendship pylon, do not lose it
fuck you.
DO NOT LOSE IT
Not having a reliable dick in is getting expensive. I’ve had to replace 3 vibrators since Mike and I split up
I bet he’d be surprised by the epic blow job he’d get if he stopped talking about his wife long enough for me to get in the mood
Randomize
