I don't want to eat him, he probably tastes terrible.
I need to shower. I still have paint on me from the homeless guys
I've heard so many rumors about me being taken home in an ambulance I'm starting to believe them.
WHY ARE YOU POKING HOLES IN MY 3AM LOGIC?!
#1 RULE OF DRINKING: DELETE YOUR EX'S NUMBER FROM YOUR PHONE
We convinced the Dj to let us play musical chairs...... I won by the way.
Hey, I'm probably about to be arrested but I didn't want to wake you. But it would be cool of you to get the $500.00 I have in the box I keep my "medicine" in and come bail me out. Also I figured you would be amused at the thought of me fending off brutal prison rape tonight.
I wore a shirt that says "more tequila" to my bday party last year and that's why I want to be my own friend
So I'm getting really old. I feel asleep for a booty call that I initiated. The struggle is real.
sober me is the one who makes bad decisions every boyfriend I've ever had I met sober
As much as my throat was opened up this weekend, you'd think I wouldn't nearly choke on a damn almond.
I mean seriously...It's like the universe is saying "your vagina is closed, move along"
I passed out while searching "symptoms of narcolepsy"...
i'm not sure what you are doing right now, but i know that i don't like it. whatever you are doing. just stop. come here so we can fuck
Our livers are going to hate us.
It's okay, they're regenerative. God wanted this.
Randomize
