i'm chasing tequila w mint flavored ice cream, phil's chasing it w cream cheese, bashar's chasing it w pickles...i think we all know who the winner is....
I just googled "whats above a trillion", thats how busy I am at work.
There's trophy wives that arent even in the 5th grade yet
You were so trashed that when you dropped your fruit rollup on the floor, you just sat next to it and cried.
STOP CALLING ME LADY CHLAMYDIA
we went to get a refill in his room and ended up having sex and passing out. then he woke me up with sex and gave me a beer for breakfast. i never want this to end
Hey, I can't find my bed frame. Do you know who took it?
my greatest accomplishment from the city of diplomacy is that i puked at a table of 5 diplomats and my professor and NONE OF THEM NOTICED
He kept telling me that something was trying to enter this dimension from another universe through his spine...
he tried to give me his business card but gave me his health insurance card then realized it and offered to take me to the strip club
Going to an AA meeting just so I can fuck him...That's dedication
What alcohol should i drink Saturday to completely hate life?
No, I'm not a weirdo, I keep bondage straps under my matress like a normal person, not a diary.
I woke up in a bush somewhere in Tucson with a full suit on. Great way to end my birthday.
Hitting up all my dealers for my birthday grams is paying off
Randomize
