SOME GIRL ON THE STAIRS IN FRONT OF ME JUST FARTED AND IT WENT STRAIGHT INTO MY MOUTH!
Just woke up with my keys in one hand and cheesecake in the other.
People are yelling about how much they want you here.
I'm going to change, vomit up my mexican food to save the trouble later, and then come meet you. Thrilled.
The last time I saw you, you were rolling around on the ground at the bar.....
.....well it was bound to be an interesting night since I was chasing my pulls with pulls....
i got a standing ovation for bringing skittles to the party
He spent $1100 at a strip club. If I had that kind of disposable income, I'd make a cocaine sandcastle.
Literally everyone in the bar was absolutely hammered out of their minds. I swear I even saw the bartender swigging jd when he thought no one was looking. And there was me thinking Britain was the booziest nation in the world.
Welcome to America. You're gonna love it.
I'm gonna make some noodles and go to bed. Hopefully I don't fall into the stove or something.
He is currently in a meeting and I am sexting him in Italian
And he's using Google translate to reply. Who says cross country relationships can't be fun?
I am going to be so excited tomorrow when I find this box of crayons in my purse
I'm daydrinking whiskey in a princess hat
she keeps a switchblade in her panty drawer... i am both terrified and slightly turned on
I want to bone him until his eyes fall out
I just smoked weed out of a tomahawk, then chased an armadillo with said tomahawk, I love my life.
Grandpa just whipped it out and started pissing on the way to the game stuck in traffic. I saw EVERYTHING. :(
Randomize
