She told me she only masterbates to Kenny Rogers songs.
OMG. What did u say?
I told her I did too.
I googled "I hate my uterus" just to make sure I wasn't the only one.
Well then I realized I had a bigger problem when I woke up a long board.
He managed to get his pants on, so the cop just sat there facing us with his lights shining in the car. I made shadow puppets.
i think i had to give the cab driver my id to get home last night because i couldnt talk.
Come on, without my personality, I'm a pretty good one night stand.
Hungover/still slightly drunk at work. Opened a bag of cheese with a box cutter. Pretty sure I need stitches.
Just saw a huge group of people walk by in there in their underwear. Too stoned for this.
Why would you hook up with someone whos known for peeibg in someones mouth
She said pants are for pussies while spooning peanut butter onto her frosted flakes with a serving spoon. She's not even high yet.
Can we make 2014 the year of no unsolicited dick pics?
There was pot, but there are no Doritos, no Funyons, no Oreos.
Send help.
I accidently sent a dick pic to the group chat with her family. Right after they all said it was a pleasure having me for dinner. Wana drink with me?
If you're not my stylist, having sex with me, or agreeing to have sex with me don't fucking touch my hair.
U sent me lyrics to wind beneath my wings
My liver misses your liver
Randomize
