nothing makes up for a small, perpetually flaccid penis quite like a British accent
you were sitting on my toliet with a double cheesburger in your hand asking me how the cheeseburger even got there.
I just saw "i'm bigger then that" as her facebook status. Would it be better to make a fat joke or correct her grammar?
Do you think it'd be inappropriate to have an I'm Not Keeping My Baby Party the day after her baby shower?
So i just got guilted into doing a tequila shot by a group of guys chanting "USA!" at me.
Dude, I need a lifestyle change. I'm to old to be making out with chicks in foam parties, letting older chicks get all excited because I let them put their hands up my shirt, and running around doing scavenger hunts with 18 yr old chicks.
Yeah I figured you were blackout when you were Shakira dancing on the floor.
I just realized, I'm going to be on my period for the end of the world. FUCK.
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
I actually want to work out for some reason... I think it's my brains way of telling me it doesn't like living in a fat body.
I just want to dump glitter on my floor and roll in it like a cat in catnip.
I think the reason she hasn't text me back is because I spanked her ass with Hulk Hands
I'm naked on my couch and just ate a chip that was in my belly button.. my 20s have been weird.
If I'm legally allowed to go to jail than I should legally be allowed to tell a cop to fuck off. Basic principles.
Yea, but did you really have to throw a sandwich at him??
are you comparing glasses to pregnancy
Randomize
