K I think ***** turned off her phone. Guess I can't make her feel any more miserable tonight so I'm goin to sleep
my vagina has a 5:00 shadow
I'm eating all of the evidence.
having sex with him was like banging macgyver. he did the most amazing shit with the simplest things
He thanked me for being "his little blond pogo stick last night". Good thing?
Yeah sketchy neighborhood.. Some woman ran by screaming, "i didn't steal anything" as some cops rolled up and arrested her.
There are 3 pics of me on my camera, naked, wearing only an apron, scooping ice cream.
did i mention he attempted to milk her in backseat?
we tried to steal a tractor last night. you should have come out.
I don't mean to ruin your favorite Disney movie...but...we both came when Mufasa died.
I vaguely remember stopping for a bag of bugles and some lube and then I woke up this morning with melted chocolate on my hands. I think I love him
People will call it the Wrath of the Froyo. We'll be immortalized.
I recently had a rabies scare because I thought putting socks on my hands to pick up a squirrel that got in my house was a good idea.
I have a horrible feeling I left my dildo in the kitchen today after washing it. This is my life.
You spent an hour sitting naked in your neighbor's Jeep Wrangler yelling in a terrible British accent about how you were "on a safari". Then you passed out on your lawn.
Randomize
