neither the pictures you took nor my hangover explain why there are skittles in my shoe
I don't even have to turn the heat on in my car. Just fart the whole way home.
She kept saying "I'm going to hell" the entire time we were fucking. I really wasn't sure what to do... so I agreed with her.
That was definitely the right answer.
Just saw a drunk guy clapping and cheering for a chipmunk climbing up a tree. Classic
That just sounds like a recipe for sex in my backyard. Yes.
You couldn't remember her number so you tried to dial her name into your phone. Once you realized you didn't know her name, you dialed 7 random numbers
Just so you know the unusual amount of skittles on your floor is entirely your own fault. You bought me 20 bags of them while I was high.
At IHOP. It feels weird and sad that your cleavage isn't here for me to try to toss paper wads into.
I'd do them all but honestly I'm so high that I probably should have a chaperone.
Just had my butthole waxed. If that changes your plans for Saturday..
I heard you ran into my sister lastnight. Do you remember making out with her and slapping my uncle?
Sunburned by dick at the nude beach. Bad. She tried to blow me. But. I. Just. Can't. Saddest day of my life.
I feel like I have the I just lost my virginity face and everyone at the grocery store knows it.
I was asked to be part of a mmf threesome. I think I'd rather stay home, watching Orange is the New Black and cuddle with my cat though
Like how do you live your life and have never made a grilled cheese? The audacity of some people
Randomize
