I seriously can't date anymore I forgot how to hide my crazy
Why do I always give away anal sex as birthday presents?
Shut up... one mans birthday cake is another mans sodomy my friend
I'm gonna get drunk and through up on the first happy couple I see.
Hey man, did I leave the bottom drawer to my refrigerator that I had beer in at your house by any chance?
Yeah not really sure what I said but I remember "douchebag" and "fuck your own face"
To a 70 year old lady?!
WHOA. WHOA. WTF. WHOA. TOO HIGH FOR HIM TO BE ENGAGED RIGHT NOW.
Its 4 am and he honestly tried throwing pizza at his ceiling for decorations
i feel like words won't express my appreciation properly so at some point i'm just going to bring you pizza then go down on you for an hour. fair?
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
Houston, we have a squirter
I'm doing running of the bulls tomorrow at 7am...except in New Orleans roller derby girls chase you.
That broad from the bar put her name in my phone as "The girl I'm going to marry in 10 years".
im single, its not even nine am on Valentine's day and I've already gotten laid. suck it relationships
Omg i got really stoned and used a makeup app on my grandma...well, I’m definitely not adopted
Turns out my mom didn't really want to know I was in a new dimension last night from smoking so much.
Randomize
