so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
I'm picking out a half way decent top so if I get arrested I'll have a respectable mug shot photo. Always be prepared.
He was pretty out of it. He heard crickets outside, and thought it was the laptop. So he put his ear to it, rubbed the keyboard, and said "tell me your secrets."
I want to spend time with you, and by time, I mean real time. Not your dick in my mouth time.
Ive been home for 20 minutes and I'm already in bed with a vodka tonic
And I would just like to take the time to say my boobs look great today.
Who the fuck superglued glowsticks to my arm.
Just made a drunk dude do 20 push-ups. In the parking lot of the bar tonight for a keystone light I found in the back of my truck.
Oh yum
My attempts to make you laugh have failed exceedingly. Naked snap chats it is
If if makes you feel any better, you're definitely the hottest guy I've ever friendzoned.
If I die here, tell my vagina and my cats that I'm sorry.
Oh my god, are you sexting me while watching the Democratic debate.
100%
Now I'll never know if it was me that got you worked up, or Bernie Sanders' social policies.
Not really how I planned to achieve immortality, but I'll take it.
He just brought a live lobster to the party.
A guy just threw up in my lecture of 500 ppl and just got up and walked away
Randomize
