i found the vodka. it was hiding in the orange juice.
i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
the guy i hooked up with is asleep on our couch. please dont fuck him.
the lady in the checkout infront of me had a case of beer, two 40 oz, and activia...really??i dont' think irregularity is her problem
I didn't think I could chip a tooth while giving a blowjob until I met him.
i came home at 4 a.m. and made a dozen eggs and three lbs. of bacon. my mom woke up and the only thing she was pissed about was that i used the whole carton of eggs, but then she sat down and ate with me
searching "dave" under the university of pittsburgh on facebook was not exactly how i hoped to find my baby daddy
We're gonna have the chick that teaches kindergarteners to fold origami roll the joints.
I dont even care how hung over I am, and how shitty this bus ride will be. That was the best sex of my life and it's a beautiful morning.
Sex last night was mind blowing. your wife is one lucky lady.
People around me are just doing lines of cocaine. Like its no big deal. And I'm just here like.... Y'all want some cheezits?
Don't get me wrong, the sex itself is amazing, but I don't think I will EVER get used to her habit of singing lines Jesus christ super star when she is about to cum.
He showed me a picture of his baby hamsters and I called them "Mammal McNuggets"
I'm not gay but if a lesbian wants to eat my box out I'm not gonna say no to someone who knows what they're doing.
So when did "Are you okay?" translate into "Don't tell me you got fucked by another rando after another rager"?
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