Um, I don't know who U MEANT to send that to, but yes I WAS going to fuck you. Instead you can go play Halo with ur friends.
that's the type of pussy you go to the bathroom and wack off before you fuck her, just to last longer inside of her!
sexting loses it's worth when you accidentally text your boss.
ya i vaguely remember microwaving a whole package of bacon for 20 minutes or so and then eating it all around 4am
I made out with a deaf person. Also I've been drunk 11 days in a row now.
I hate babysitting girls whose boobs are bigger than mine.
so i have my big date this weekend, and i was practicing giving head with a bottle in the shower. i stopped and looked at the botton of the bottle. it was PURE MOLD! if i die, dont tell the doctors how this happened....
you will always have a special place in my vag
It reminded me of the time my mother gave my Bailey's in my stocking when I was 14.
Just realized that St. Patty's is on a Saturday this year in case you were interested in coming to New York and redefining bender with me.
I never thought I would have to arrest my own parents on a sunday night
The Uber driver took us to a Waffle House. We didn't even say anything when we got in. MAGIC.
My credit card got frozen due to suspicious activity. "Let's go over your recent transaction history... it looks like these are all at bars." BITCH, DON'T JUDGE MY MONDAY NIGHTS.
At Target. Everyone is stocking up on food and flashlights for this storm. I stocked up on beer. Dont judge me, it was on sale...
Gov of Georgia is going to allow massage therapists to return to work.
Gives a new meaning to 'Happy Endings'.
Randomize
