I want to kish your cheek
My cheeks are in Michigan
Oh my lips are kind of stretchy
Katie is reenacting me jizzing in her eye via emoticons...
Ive never seen someone more dtf than a soaking wet drunk girl who stumbles into your backyard.
I just spent a chunk of my Christmas money on Plan B. I don't think that's what my relatives had mind when they said "spend it wisely", but hey, it was a good investment considering the bad life choices i made last night.
Outside the community dumpsters: beer bottles and a carton of orange juice. Looks like we were here.
I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
Walk-of-shaming home from Brooklyn in a Jesus costume that has "what wouldn't Jesus do" written on the robe.
Thank you for holding my bra last night while i did a topless lap around the house
I wonder if they'd let me siphon the gas out my car before they impound it
You guys better make it up to the cabin in time for mud wrestling on Saturday. I'm not kidding. You know when I joke, and now is not one of those times.
she chugged a bowl of salsa and then gave my ferret weight loss tips. she's like my fucking spirit animal now
Maybe we should invest in one and when one of us wishes to be a hot mess in a wheel chair the other one will push the mess around to wherever it wants to go.
He made me watch a sex tape him and his gf made. They were in the shower when her roommate walked in on them. Not kidding: she asked to join in.
I hate him. He gets laid, my dick gets laughed at.
Just remember: We don't tell our English professor about our fetishes unless she specifically asks about them.
If he isn’t into CosPlay he will be after tonight. That naughty nurse outfit heals broken hearts
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