Almost accidentally stole a baby... explain later
The only thing that makes me want to stop the affair is that I am the Monica Lewinksy in this triangle.
there is a strobe light in my taxi. in what way is this safe.
His idea of romance is drunkenly leaving me dead dandelions on my car in the middle of the night
Remember the time we were in the hospital and I wanted to steel the arm restraints and use them as sex toys?? Oh college memories....
he ate me out like he was chugging a beer.
The more and more I think about it, the more I realize... it's not ok to just pull over on the side of the highway to pee... I'm sorry I argued that
No teenage boy ever gets scared away from sex unless she is slipping a wedding ring on your finger or is killing your cat. I promise.
What's the standard Christmas present for six months of booty calls?
Mobile recharge?
His girlfriends signaled their approval by pulling me off of him and in turn making out with me. I think I will hang out with this group more often
Apparently she almost had an affair at Outback Steakhouse, details to follow when I get home but the apple really doesn't fall far from the tree
And some neighbor just saw me naked and hunched over a bag of potato chips stuffing my face. Maybe clothes aren't a bad idea.
that is either the most profound and meaningful thing i've ever heard, or someone got high before noon again.
My sinuses still burn from snorting red wine last night.
You're a FUCKING ASSHOLE. Love mom
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