Dear tim. Christina farted and it smells like kid roses.
Rent Disney Oceans. Smoke a bowl. Fast forward to the seal section. Then call me.
I found a tip from a dart in my bra this morning
Sorry you called when I was puking in a cheetos bag
this is worse than the time i threw up a condom.
This is the high leading the old right now
I got us chalkboard mugs. Now whoever comes home with us can feel comfortable in the morning! I am too considerate to my one-night stands...
Drinking Fireball means never having to say you're sorry. Unless its at you're arraignment.
How exactly does one go about seducing an older, possibly blind gentleman?
Last night someone asked you what your favorite color was and you said "bagel."
I would totes reciprocate the nip pic, but I'm sick with a piece of tissue shoved up one of my nostrils and I'm just not feeling that ambitious. Sorry.
There's a fine line between kinky and serial killer
You know your Halloween costume is slutty when you have to shave your pubes to wear it.
Is it too forward if I ask him to bring a condom when he comes over to work on our project?
Why do I always have at least 8 men with whom I am conducting some sort of poorly planned love experiment?
Randomize
