so i know my style isnt the best ever but u should have told me i was wearing two different shoes
another moral hangover. fuck.
so apparently we got drunk enough at the reception to rip the center pieces apart and use the flower vases as "fancy glasses"
i told her she would have to blow me everytime we lost a game of beer pong, she never noticed i purposely hit our opponents in the face every other shot
Because the last time i saw or spoke to him he came all over me in a hammock.
he just kept saying "come on iron man, you can do this!" to himself the whole time..
The polish Muslims are throwin paczkis into the crowd and I'm beer 6 before 11 am
All I remember is lecturing my dog about how she's a lucky bitch to have a structured eating and shitting schedule.
We were tripping too hard to figure out to tell him where we were so we sent a picture of me laying outside the tent saying "find us"
I'VE CAME 4 TIMES TODAY. I AM AS DRY AS THE SAHARA, STOP YOUR WHINING.
In order to see him, he made me facetime with his penis, which he had drawn a smile face on. Getting laid shouldn't be this difficult.
I have found random beers stashed in my purse and microwave... Apparently I thought 2015 was gonna have a beer shortage
I gave up great shower sex to be here so don't say I never did anything for our friendship.
I'm kinda sad I'm leaving the bank. I never got to have rough sex in the vault.
I was running because his wife invited me to join them on their kinky Vegas weekend. Crossing state lines is too much commitment for me.
Randomize
