forget your mom, you can see her anytime. A one night stand only happens ONE night.
Tonight has been like a good ass fucking high school movie
Dude its barely eleven am and there is already a firetruck and ambulance at the shamrock...happy st paddys day
I showed remarkable dignity in such a compromising situation. Except I came off as sort of a blue ball giver.
So you plan on doing double washing machine sex? Like. A double date. But with sex. On a washing machine..?
We were sitting in my backseat and he just kept biting me and telling me we weren't at the zoo...
And by defning the relationship I mean telling him I'm gonna fuck other people but its cool If he does the same.
In other news, last night I told somebody they made eczema look so good they should call it sexzema.
How is it possible that I'm still a virgin and you've managed to have sex in a cheetah print onesie TWICE
I would say that that is the last time I ever drink a bottle of jack in two hours, but really who am I kidding?
I think pants incapable of making pants work
I barfed on the cat last night. Just wanted to share.
i can't hookup with him because someone else bit my vagina
I just want you to know that watching you throw up out of a cab in the McDonald's drive thru was probably the highlight of my night.
Pretty sure I just pissed straight whiskey...
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