This is the LAST time i'm accepting the excuse "tequila made me do it". Even tequila thinks buying all of nickelback's itunes singles is fucking retarded
due to concerns over safety, the theme of the 'naked fondue party' has now been changed to the 'naked fondue party with optional apron' please b.y.o.apron. extra prizes for most creative apron.
She tried to escape and she fell and hit the door. She's gunna freak when she wakes up with only half a tooth.
He tried to make an olympic torch by lighting a corona box on top of a pool cleaner.
ughh I puked about 4 times on metro, no one seems to like the cool design I made on my shirt
i get the sense she is planing new and exciting ways to physically harm me during sex
Just don't eat pie out of the sink. It's a real blow to the self esteem.
Texas State Troopers call you ma'am even when they arrest you for public nudity and after you've puked on their cruiser. Country boys raised right.
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
There's something really beautiful about walk of shaming past the Capitol.
I found a briefcase foll of fireworks in my old bedroom...that's an appropriate thing to bring to a wedding, right?
Look man if you're looking for a voice of reason, you're talking to the wrong woman.
man fuck you i am a delight. you're the one who fucking set his tree on fire while high
Once again, marijuana saves me from going to jail
Places I vomited today: hotel bathroom, in the cab to the airport, airport bathroom, airport terminal trashcan, plane seat 18E, and the plans bathroom
Fun wedding?
Yes. Very.
God, I missed his penis.
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