He asked what my name was on facebook chat. IT SAYS RIGHT THERE. i will never be drunk enough for this guy.
You know you're on day 1 of your period when the new mcdonalds commercial makes you cry
Should I feel bad that I fucked her and made her ride my little brothers razor scooter home?
I JUST REALIZED HOW SOFT YOUR TABLE IS! and I also just started rolling
He's covered in dirt and enchiladas. We're going drinking now.
like he couldn't stop by and throw me in the back seat and ask for a blowjob? he had to give me flowers?
Just took an adderall with a shot of tequila while doing my makeup in the parking lot at work before I go in. I'm also late. They're so lucky to have me.
Do you know how to give stiches?
I do not...this text concerns me
Brownies hit. And just found beer. And the bill cosby show is on. And its in spanish.
I managed to make myself a bowl of apple jacks, took one bite and had to stop eating them because they were making my brain wiggle. How was your comedown?
You were pouring Patron into the window of the squad car trying to get the police dog to drink it
So thats why that cop beat my ass?
Probably
I'm listening to Michael Jackson while drinking vodka, alone. Honestly, l wish I could Moonwalk my way back to when I knew wtf was going on in my life.
We're gonna start a pole dancing competition or a bar fight. Stand by for results.
I should probably apologize for licking you last night since you drove me home, but I stand by my decision
All I remember thinking is, why the fuck are there martians on the ceiling? And they were riding fruit. Like strawberries and shit.
Randomize
