I passed out in the cab. Woke up to the cabby yelling SIR SIR WE ARE AT THE TRAIN STATION!! SIRRRR!!
Help i just walked in on mom blowing dad
He thinks MY vagina is tight. That's saying something.
It's like the only way I know how to apologize is by giving a blow job.
This would be a good time for the don't get drunk and bang a married chick pep talk...
you took the tequila shot and then procceded to eat the lime..we told you to spit it out but you just straight face kept chomping
She has an inverted nipple. She told to play with the normal one until the other one pops up.
You BETTER NOT STEAL MY MOTHERFUCKING SQUIRREL
I played ping pong,drunk, with my hand instead of the paddle. And i won. I have hidden talents
If I asked you to guess what I'm doing right now how many guesses would it take to get to really high eating an apple bumping techno
Perhaps if I didn't mortify my parents last night with my drunken obnoxious behavior which resulted in the casualty of an entire decorative bathroom shelf which I completely ripped off the wall and left for dead, I would be more than willing to go day drinking.
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
all I know is this drummer better stop eye fucking me while he plays cowbell. it is way too early for that.
Some nights you do cocaine till 5:00 in the morning, and the next night you teach yourself how to crochet. It’s called balance.
Really should've known 2020 was gonna suck when the guy dressed as baby new year got arrested at our party 5 past midnight...
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