You came out of the bathroom, said "I'M DRUNK BUT I REMEMBERED TO WASH MY HANDS!" and then insisted that she smell them.
As per my father's affair, married men are no longer off limits.
sorry about having a shotput competition with your microwave, seemed like a good idea at the time
My face is tingly. And my legs are being massaged by golden elves.
You called me 32 times last night just to tell me you felt a heartbeat in your vagina?
You are going to be so proud of me, I'm wearing underwear AND tights. That's two layers more than usual between my vagina and the world.
There is a girl in my drunk limo who hasn't seen an uncircumcised penis. Hook me up with a picture.
I wouldn't blame my organs if they just decided to quit working after this weekend
Just broke my collar bone. May not make it to the party.
My new roommate just announced that she got her period, popped a percoset, smoked a bowl, and started playing a video game. She says she's not moving till it's over. New hero?
yea I went to the store high again.. I think we're having pie for dinner.
I'll have to text you later. Trying to have civilized conversations with the boyfriends parents when I'm 100% aware I just blew their son in the bathroom 5 mins ago. Stay tuned.
He literally knows my vagina better then I do.
That awkward moment when you realize that last night you walked from in n out to petco, bought a mouse for $3, named it mogar, taught it how to skateboard on a techdeck, made it a home out of a trash can, fed it fruity pebbles and cheese, and then forgot where you left it.
from across the room i saw you look into your beer and whisper "i love you"
Randomize
