I knew I shouldn't have slept with her...my dick looks like a stegosaurus tail
when a 14 year old is judging you, you know you've had too much to drink
I just woke up wearing retainers... they are most definitely not mine
I just found out that my father was a Human condom for halloween when I was 4. And to think I used to wonder where my sense of humor came from.
my whole body is tingling just thinking about the orgasm hes going to give me
I need a legitimate reason as to why the microwave door is in the shower
i wish his balls had a scratch and sniff sticker elsewhere so i would know before i even went down there
My worst case scenario tonight is that I fuck a hot Swiss girl. Let that give you perspective on my life at the moment.
I hear sloppy seconds go great with fried rice
I know it basically makes me the worst feminist ever, but I don't want to kill my own spiders. And I will pay my personal spider hit man with sammiches and unlimited , uninhibited access to my vagina.
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
We will let tequila do the talkin this weekend
We’ve discussed sex and dinner. Like chicken nuggets while doing it doggie and watching tv.
Well, let me first tell you that jack and cokes were ONE FUCKING DOLLAR.. It's like the club wanted me to make poor choices.
Why is the toilet broken? Why did I wake up naked in the shower, hugging a bath mat? WHY IS THE TOILET BROKEN?
Is it just clogged or something?
No! There are actual chunks of toilet on the floor.
Randomize
