I woke up this morning and I couldn't find my coffeetable. wtf?
Party in the USA is so catchy!
Yea, so is AIDS.
Found your pants in the mailbox
What were my pants doing in the mailbox?
I don't know but there's postage on them
Smoked a Vape in the library status: completed
I just wrote "where Jason is" on the screen. He guessed "hospital" correctly.
Seriously, I want to give you a plaque thanking you for your dedicated service to my vagina.
He stumbled out of the bar bathroom at 3:30 am with his jeans unzipped and his dick hanging out - it was the physical manifestation of "blackout with your cock out"
I think I reached some stage of aging, have a sore/injured shoulder from sex, next up carpal tunnel from sexting.
That awkward moment when the dude you blew on camera in college friend requests you on Facebook.
Who is this?!????
That awkward moment when you think you're texting a friend the above statement, but instead you text a stranger.
You know you can't live off of vodka and pizza rolls forever
I'VE ALREADY MADE MY CHOICE
That moment when you realize the hot british guy named rory you drunkenly made out with at a bar is American, is named Tyler, and has a girlfriend.
that was the most beautifully crafted sentence ive ever read that involved the phrase "genitals or whatever"
I'm drunkenly throwing popcorn at a spider, fuck him. Why does his scary 8 legs get to be happy?
What?? I could've slept with an ordained minister!
Don't worry. I have logic.... just not morals.
Randomize
